there should be a 24 hour distressed tweaker hotline

i’m going to write here instead of my journal because i don’t know. i want somebody to listen. i want you, specifically. i would call your house phone but it’s 1:43 AM right now. god i really don’t know why i’m thinking about you so much, it really puzzles me. i don’t think i miss the past anymore. i try not to think too much about it. right now is good. i’m going to stop tweak for a while. my dentist said i have some rough spots on my teeth and she blamed it on my soda drinking but i know what the real reason is. i’m up and up and up and i’ve only had some sort of sleep for a whole 15 minuets. that’s all my body needed i guess. 

too sad, too scared. i don’t know what i want yet i know exactly. i am just a big mess that’s in the form of a person. i just need something to do right now that’s worth my time. depresses depression. i wish you were here to make me feel better. you know all of the right things to say. i’ve always lived with a hole in my heart and i try to fill it with something, always, and it works for a little bit but you all know that  it’s eventually going to never be enough. i miss my dad. 

sometimes i really don’t know who my true friends are. maybe i do know. i don’t know. for the a thousandth time, i wish you were here. oh, i need valiums. i wish i knew the time you’ll get on facebook. i wish i wish i wish i wish. i wrote you a letter and i don’t know how you’ll feel about it. i hope it’ll make you feel happy because you want me to be happy. do you still mean those words you said saturday night?

my mom thinks that i am getting better yet i am still the same. always. poor lady,  i do not want to hurt her anymore, but oh she hurts me. i just want to be left alone.  i wish i lived with all my friends so that i would never be lonely. i wish that i could just go to sleep but it isn’t that easy, isn’t it? i even wish i had jake to talk to even though i always feel like i bother him yet he actually converses with me. i don’t know. 

tomorrow i am going to be pretty and i am going to smoke a cigarette when i go home and i am going to pet my cat until she falls asleep purring. i am going to hopefully talk to peter, or peter will hopefully talk to me so then i’ll feel better, and then it will be all good. i am going to do my homework and i am actually excited about the english project i am going to be assigned. i am going to ask my mom to drive me to michaels to buy more kandi beads and then i can make bracelets for people. 

i wish i could just call somebody right now, but everyone is asleep. i don’t want to bother somebody.